Don True - Christmas in Dover (c) 1993 (Part 2)

(Hammer Time)

ince I couldn't breath very well cause one lung had just collapsed, I wheezed out;
"Slow down, I can't Last!"
With the wind noise generated at 30 mph and my pitiful cry, what Jim heard was; "Bla Bla, Bla Bla Fast!"
When he caught that, he put his head down and increased the now furious cadence we were cranking. At 40 mph we hit the base of a large hill and Jim decided to stand and really turn those pedals. This set up a horrible oscillation. The bike shook from side to side as we tried to stay on the road. When the bike would jump left, Jim would throw all his body weight right. In my dazed and weaken condition my reflexes were a little slow and I would lean left when Jim steered right. We zigzagged down the road in utter terror like this for a quarter of a mile before slowing and bring the bike under control.
Now riding smoothly and together for the first time I begged Jim to stop and give me a small rest break. I just needed a chance to recover. A chance to refresh my burnt out legs. As we passed a house with a "Garage Sale" sign out front, I suggested he could browse while I rested.
"You could maybe find a cheap Christmas present for your mom here, Jim." I pleaded, hoping he would at least stop riding for his mother.
Since Jim's always looking for a bargain, and he hadn't bought his mom a present yet, this ploy worked and he pulled into their drive.
I jumped off the back of the bike, and collapsed on the ground. I lay there and watched Jim look through all the junk this guy had to sell. I should have yelled "NO!" when he bought the Propane Bar-B-Q grill. But I was still too exhausted to even speak. We were ten miles from Dover and I knew the ride back would test the limits of my aged and underdeveloped body.
Jim strolled over with his prized trophy. It was a rusted out, heat blackened, propane bar-B-Q grill. It stood about 3 foot high with a wooden handle on one end and two small wheels on the other. My job, as Jim informed me, was to hold the handle on his mom's new grill and keep that end from hitting the ground while we towed it back to Dover behind the tandem.
As we started back, the three inch wheels on the grill let off a shrill high pitch squeal. The sound was so loud and intense it started to make my eyes water. I guess the wheels had never been oiled and we were givin' them a severe test as Jim brought the ship up to cruising speed. The faster we went the higher the pitch of the squeal was from the grill's wheels. The only purpose this sound served was to wake up every farm dog in a ten mile radius of Dover! As we rolled by each dog's property line, they were waiting for Jim and me. Several were even standing in the road with big vicious grins as we approached.
What I didn't realize is they weren't waiting for Jim and me, but really they were just waiting for me. Jim could maintain a pace that kept the dogs just at the rear of the tandem. He was safe and out of the way of the snapping jaws while I was left to fend off their attacks holding onto a bar-B-Q grill with one hand and keeping a death grip on my handle bars with the other. I would scream for him to speed up, as the dogs jumped and snapped at my legs spinning madly on the back of the tandem. If they got real close, I'd swing the grill over, and try to try run them down with it. I thought I even heard Jim chuckle once as he coasted just out of range of a German Shepard's vicious, drooling, teeth filled mouth, while I cussed profusely at the ugly mutt.
It was the Doberman at the bottom of Dover hill that caused all the problems. We were almost home free and back to Dover when this lightning fast Doberman took up the chase. We had descended the hill at a little over 50 mph and the wheels on the grill were starting to sing real good and loud now. The dog followed us into town snapping and growling while I swung the grill back and forth at him. Just as we were approaching the Dover Christmas display, the damn dog sunk his teeth into one of the wheels on the grill, and ripped it off it's axle. The bottom of the grill set up a wall of sparks as it skidded down the street behind a now out of control tandem. This heated up the propane tank and right before the explosion, I saw that Jim had lost control of the bike, jumped a curb, and was headed directly toward one of the Three Wise men in the Christmas display. We hit the one holding the Frankincense and Myrrh. He toppled over into the other two and they fell on top of a poor plastic shepherd boy who was then decapitated as the tandems front wheel skidded over his head. About this time the propane tank let loose and a 10 foot flame shot out the side of the tank and propelled us like a rocket through the manger, who's straw roof and walls instantly went up in flames, and straight toward the 30 foot Santa, which was holding up the main string of Christmas lights, that were strung throughout downtown Dover.

Last updated @ 4:46 AM on 5/19/96